Reconnect with who you were.

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During my daily therapy sesh with Jamie, we were chatting about #feelgoodfeb and our shared goal to actually follow along this month. We started talking about the things that make us feel alive. She had my wheels spinning! For me: singing in the shower, pop lock and dropping it to the baddest gangster rap, or a quick game of freeze dance with a 4 year old, usually does the trick! She was on to something… so I asked her to send me a quick blog entry for the website. Whether you’re caught up in the daily grind or have lost your way a little bit, Jamie’s entry below reminds us that “sometimes finding ourselves again is as simple as retracing our steps…”  – Kelly 

My son turns 16 this month. It’s been 16 years that my life has revolved around him. In second grade he was diagnosed with a brain tumor – multiple surgeries, months in the hospital. Medications for life and regular MRIs. But they removed the tumor and he was still him and I felt very lucky that my little guy was still my little guy. 3 years later a cyst began to grow again – more surgery, and another month in the hospital. Medications for life and regular MRIs. If it comes back they will not be able to operate. There is too much scar tissue and they could barely get in the second time. But he is still him and I am still lucky. So yes, my life has revolved around this kid and I don’t regret it.
But it occurs to me that I don’t clearly remember who I was or what I did for fun in my B.C. (before child) years. I’ve asked friends and even exes. What was fun about me? But their answers didn’t help because they only showed me how others found me fun. What was fun for ME? I needed to dig deep and find a way to re-feel my fun. Let’s be clear here – you don’t need to have a sick kid to lose yourself in motherhood. I’m sure I’m not alone – how many of you can see into a future where your kids need you less and you can actually dive into yourself again? What will you find when you dive in?
Since I’m a different person than I was B.C., I’m thinking about reinvention, not repetition. But I also think there’s value in getting back to your roots. When I was in my teens I used to love to dance – I would put music on in my room and dance around until I could dance no more. I mean for a long time. I would just lose myself, and it was fun. So I tried it again. Last week. Yes it’s slightly embarrassing. Yes I see the humor in it. I danced and danced and laughed and laughed at myself until I cried. It was so fun and I felt free and joyful and slightly ridiculous, but mostly free and joyful. Why did I ever stop??? Because we just do.
What did you used to love doing that you put away because you’ve “grown up”? Did you used to play the guitar? Sing? Draw? Write poetry? (Haiku anyone?) Take pictures of clouds? Build cities out of your shoeboxes? Whatever it was, go do it. You don’t need permission. It’s no one else’s business. It’s for you, to remember that part of yourself – to reignite that spark. It doesn’t mean you’re going to do it all the time necessarily. (Unless you want to, in which case everyone needs to just leave you the hell alone while you Haiku your ass off.) Just trying it again can bring you back to your happy place.
We lose our way if we’re not careful, but sometimes finding ourselves again is as simple as retracing our steps.
With love,

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